Ho-de-ho

I was in the car with Tony. I use my phone as Sat-nav, and I saw a news notification pop up that Ruth Maddock had died.

Me: Oh no! That's sad! Ruth Maddock has died. You know? (in a Welsh accent) "Hi-de-hi!"

Tony: Oh yeah?.....

🤔🙄🤔

...what was that programme she was on?

Sitting Downs

Tony had gone into town on the bus. There are train strikes today, so the buses are full. Tony's knee is still not right and he couldn't get a seat. I said that he deserved a disabled seat because he has genuine need. 

Tony: Yeah, but there were them ones sat there. Me sister used to look after 'em. Big round faces. Slitty eyes. Wossit? They look Chinese but they ain't. Wossit called?...

Me: 😖 Do you mean Down's syndrome?

Tony: Yeah! That's it!

Car trouble

I was driving Tony to the hospital to have his leg brace adjusted.

A car nearly pulled out in front of us and stopped just in time.

Tony: You stop there....you...little git!

.....

..person. Should say "little person" really, not little git. Shouldn't be racist. It's not 'cow', or 'git'. It's 'person'. Probably shouldn't say 'little' either. Like "You....person!". That's better.

There's no excuse for being racist.

Chinese whispers

Tony was talking about the leftovers of a takeaway he'd seen in the kitchen. We talked at cross purposes while I forgot that I'd got a Chinese takeaway a few nights previously.

I asked him what it was.

Tony: Plastic fings, wannit. Stringy stuff...lettuce or summink. Stuff I can't have cos of me teef.

The penny dropped.

Me: You mean noodles?!

Tone: Yeah, summink like that.

Call of the wild.

I got Tony some shopping. He's still laid up with his knee injury.

I went to his room to deliver him some paracetamol and his change. The room was thick with the smell of rancid farts. My eyes were burning.

Me: Jesus Tone! What the fuck?! Open a window or something. It stinks in here.

Tony: Oh! Does it?

Tony opened a window and sprayed deodorant, blowing the combined stench of shit and Lynx Africa around the house.

Be careful what you ask for...

Zombieland - Double Tone

I had been watching Zombieland - Double tap, and I could assess from the coincidental laughter that Tony had been watching it as well, in another room. I had drifted off in the middle and was confused by the reappearance of the pink girl.

...oh...spoiler alert...sorry..

He explained it, then started on about how he had watched the first one yesterday and was happily surprised that the second one was on today. 

Tony: I can remember the first one but not the second one.

Me: You've just watched it!

Tony: No. I mean from before.

Me: Oh! You've seen it before then?

Tony: No.

It's element-tree 2

13 months after "It's element-tree", I take great pleasure in announcing "It's element-tree 2: Sapling of tree".

Tony: "Is it me, or is that tree bigger 'n it used to be?"

Same tree. 🙄😂

mmbumblebiddle

It was the quietest of taps. Barely even audible. It certainly wasn't a knock and far from a rap.

I drifted off. 

Tap, tap, tap. 

Definitely someone trying to get attention. It's probably Tony knocking Dougall's door because his lift has arrived, but Dougall's not here. Not a new scenario.

Tap, tap, tap. 

Wait...is that my door? 

"Hello?" 

Tap, tap, tap. 

"Hello?" 

Tony: mmbumblebiddlemm

Me: What? 

Tony: uhhmmmbimblebumbldy...matey

Me: WHAT?! 

Tony: Phone matey innit. 

The phone hadn't rung. I've got the base station in my room.

Me: What? 

Tony: Matey.....phone fing. 

Me: Say words Tony! Whole sentences!

Tony: THERE'S A MATEY AT THE DOOR ABOUT THE PHONE!.....or summink.

There ya go. 🤣

That's matey, innit!

I was watching The Chase with Tony. He was actually on his way out, but stopped as if mesmerised by the allure of the colourful lights.

Bradley: Who wrote the words "You only live twice: Once when you are born and once when you look death in the face."

Tony: That's matey, innit! Ian Fleming. 

I picked my jaw up off the floor.

He doesn't read, although he is keen on action films. But generally he gets stuck on "Oh...uh...it's matey, innit! James....fingy...Connery?"

But no, friends, on this occasion I've had to come up with the punchline myself. He was spot on, of course. Nothing funny really, apart from that it wasn't funny. 

Good work Tone. 

My name is...?

Eunice had moved on to start her European tour. Her trail of destruction had knocked down trees and left part of the town powerless.

On day two of the power cut, Tony was wondering if they'd need him at work. He works in a hotel/bar restaurant down the road. We still had phone reception, so I suggested he call and ask. 

This perturbed him. He was visibly anxious. 

Tony: Dunno what to say. 

Me: Just phone them, tell them we have a power cut, and ask them if they still need you to go to work.

Tony pondered it for a little while.

Tony: Right...

He walked off, prodding his phone. 

As a brief after thought, I remembered that he just follows instructions and I'd left an important detail out. I called out after him...

Me: Remember to say who it is!

Pause...

Tony: Gareth. 

Me: That's not your name Tone!

Tony: Oh yeah.

Power Clutz

Storm Eunice, like all good guests, came bearing gifts. On this occasion though, she brought destruction and a power cut.

I surveyed the modern world without power, and there's not a lot left. I've been planning to replace the gas hob with electric, but I'm thinking differently now - at least we had gas.

Tony emerged from his room. 

Tony: Hmmph...power cut! 

Me: Yeah. 🙄

Tony: Hmm. No breakfast then....no kettle...so not even a cup of tea. 😔

I paused to let him run the possibilities through his head. Then I actually saw the light bulb moment. He even raised a 'Eureka' finger in the air!

Tony: Oh yeah! 

Me: Yeah? 

Tony: Yeah! Microwave!

🤦‍♂️ 

Cwazee Gwavee

Tony occasionally brings home left over food from the kitchen he works in.

Tony: Got some gwavy in there if you want some? 

Me: Gravy? 

Tony: Yeah. I don't like it. It's got some alcohol in it. Gin or summink. 

Yer 'avin a giraffe

Tony saw next door's cat in the garden. He turned on the sofa to face the window, knocking and "meow"ing.

Me: Ha! Did you "meow"?

Tony: Yeah! It's a cat innit!

Tony goes on to do a tweeting bird impression.

Tony: ....that's if it's a bird.

He spent another thirty seconds or so trying to make contact with the cat before giving up.

Tony: Mind you, dunno what I'd do if it wuz a giraffe.