Curried fervour.

(Note: Tony works in a pub kitchen and is often given unsold leftovers to bring home.)

Me: That curry smells great! I noticed them earlier in the fridge. Did they come from the pub?
Tony: Yeah! Really nice that beef one. Bit hot though. <panting>
Me: What? It turned you into a dog.
Tony: <does dog impression> Yeah! It was in the fridge and matey said I could have it. Matey got it from the pub. That orange pub. You know...the blue something.

(Editor's note: there was a pub called the Old Brewery which was painted orange for a while. It became known as the orange pub. It's since been turned into an Indian restaurant called the Blue Ginger....for clarity.)

Me: Ginger?...Oyster?
Tony: No the other one. Bought it in.
Me: Oh! What? He buys them in from the Indian and sells them?
Tony: No. He got it from the chinky and didn't want it or something.
Me: The Chinky?
Tony: The Indian.
Me: Wait. To sell?
Tony: No it was in the fridge. Said I could have it.
Me: So wait. I asked if that curry was from the pub and you said yes. But it's from the Indian or the chinky.
Tony: Yeah. It was in the fridge.
Me: Oh! So you don't sell them then.
Tony: No! It's from the chinky. The Indian.
Me: So I'm asking if it's from the pub, and you say yes because technically it's from the pub, but that's because someone got it from the Indian and put it in the fridge in the pub and said you could have it?
Tony: Oh no! Yeah, that's right. Yeah from the Indian, not the pub.

Capital crimes

We were watching Pointless. The round was: European capital cities beginning with letters A-M.

Tony: Oh! Um! Wossit? Uh. Washington!
Me: Well, that's American and begins with W.
Tony: Oh. European! Denmark?
Me: Cities Tone.
Tony: Edinbwuh?
Me: ....

The cup of youth.

Tony was tidying his room. He came out with a box of assorted trophies. Football, pool, darts, etc.
He took out a few to show me.

Tony: Football one 'ere look!

'Runners up - youth division - 89/90'

Me: Runner up? Not bad....but second place is the first loser Tone (tongue in cheek)
Tony: Difficult league that wuz.

...and then I did the maths..

Me: Wait a minute! Youth league 1989?
Tony: Yeah.
Me: But you were 27 in 1989 Tone. That's not youth! Professional players are considering retirement at that age!
Tony: ....yer....well, there wuz some big mateys in some of those teams...

Jest Eat

A commercial for Just Eat, the online food ordering company, was playing on the TV, demonstrating the range of cuisines available.

Tony: Looks good dunnit! Where's our local one then?
Me: Oh, they're not shops Tone, it's just on the internet.
Tony: Well, I know that, dun I! I just mean where's the closest Just Eat shop.
Me: There isn't one.
Tony: Woss fuckin point of advertising then?
Me: To let the TV audience know where they can order food from.
Tony: But what I mean is, where's the actual shop?
Me: There isn't one. It's just online.
Tony: That's fuckin stupid! Woss it gunna do? Come out ya phone?!

Bisghetti

Tony: Woss that then? Bisghetti?
Me: Eh?
Tony: Woss that yer 'avin? Bisghetti, is it?
Me:....it's grated cheese Tone.
Tony: Oh. Looks like bisghetti.

The lion, the witch and the weirdo.

Tony bears a passing resemblance to the friendly fawn that Lucy meets when she first enters the kingdom of Narnia.
He brought me a cup of tea this morning and I thanked him:
"Thank you Mr Tumnus!"
He shuffled off, gruntingly.
"Mmpf...Mr Numbnuts more like.."