Cheesus!

TV quiz: Top ten favourite cheeses in the UK.
Contestant: Uh....Cheese strings?

General hilarity from the contestants and audience.

Tony: Duh! Ain't cheese strings! It's cheese straws!

Broken biscuits

TV quiz: which biscuit was named after an Italian leader?
Tony: Bourbon!
TV quiz: Garibaldi
Tony: That's what I meant. I was thinking of the chocolate one with chocolate bit in the middle, but I said bourbon.
Me: That is a bourbon.
Tony: Yeah, but I meant Garibaldi!

The why? factor.

Tony: You been watching X Factor?
Me: No.
Tony: There's these mateys on there called 5 past midnight!
Me: Yeah?
Tony: Well...bloody stupid innit!....There's only three of em.

Fall back.

Yesterday (20th September).

Tony: 'ere...is it this month the clocks go forward?
Me: Neither.
Tony: .....eh?!

The technicalities were explained.

Tony: But forwards is better innit?
Me: When they go back you get an extra hour in bed.
Tony: hmmph...got a bloody month to wait though, ain't I?
Me: ....or you could go to bed an hour earlier...
Tony: Oh! I spose so, yeah!

Sulking off to bed

Tony's last set piece of the day is quite a bizarre childhood throwback. He sulks when he goes to bed. He spends most of his time in his room anyway since he got a recordable freeview box 😐...but when it's bed time he does the pilgrimage to the kitchen where instead of brushing his teeth, he takes a pain killer for his permanent tooth ache due to a lifetime of having not brushed his teeth.
Tony has no 'bedtime'. He is solely responsible for choosing his bedtime. He's 54, for fuck's sake! But that pain killer pilgrimage is performed with the resentful reluctance of a young boy who has been sent to bed.
On the outward journey, he shuffles, staring into infinity, with the pill pursed between his lips, hunched, arms hanging, palms back.
Some tap and water based activity.
On the return journey, he shuffles, hunched, arms hanging, palms back, looking at the floor like: 'When I'm grown up, I'm never going to bed! ".

I scream

Tony buys a Chinese curry with rice 3 or 4 times a week. He eats half of it one day and microwaves the rest the next day. Sometimes he'll get some leftovers from his work, which he'll eat instead, but usually it's the curry.
He also has a very sweet tooth, and got all caught up in an ice-cream promotion at the local supermarket: a litre of caramel ice-cream for a pound. I started noticing every last cavity in the freezer full up with ice-cream, presumably saving up for when the deal came to an end, but it didn't for ages. Tony owns the European ice-cream surplus.

One day, having microwaved his daily Chinese curry portion, he left the kitchen doing an exaggerated pregnant mother style walk.

"What's up with you?" I asked.
"On a diet, in't I. I normally have 'alf a curry a day. Now I 'ave one over fwee days. Gettin' fat, in't I!"
"You don't think that's anything to do with the entire tub of ice-cream you eat every day?"
He looked at me like I was mad.
"No! That's puddin', innit!...It's dinner makes you fat."

Collective frown

Tony: 'ere...I've got one for you! What do you call more than one lie?

Me: Eh?

Tony: What is the name you give a group of lies?

Me: What? Like the collective noun?

Tony: Uh...I dunno. Like 'more than one' I mean.

Me: Lies?

Tony: Yeah.

Me: Um...a pack?

Tony: No, like a herd or something.

Me: A herd of lies?

Tony: Oh!!....no, lions I mean. Lie-Uns. Lions.

Me: Oh! Ok...well it's a pride of lions.

Tony: Nope.

Me: I think it is. It's commonly used. I know sometimes there are others as well. What do you think it is?

Tony: An ambush.

Me: Hmm...never heard of that. I'm pretty sure most people would say it's a pride of lions.

Tony: Look it up on your thing....   (smart phone)

Me: Ok

Me: Ok Google, show me a list of collective nouns....(plink plink)

Me: It's an ambush of tigers Tone.

Tony: Yeah!! That's it! What is a group of tigers called?

Me: Um....an ambush?

Tony: Yeah!

No pan intended.

Tony came in from work while I was furiously trying to undo a broken toilet syphon from an impossible angle. Quite a lot of sweating and swearing was going on.
He poked his head around the door:

Tony: "Orite?"
Me: "Orite Tone."
Tony: "...(mumble)...." - walking away
Me: "Eh?"
Tony: "....(mumble)..." - further
Me: "WHAT?!"

Pokes his head around the toilet door again:

Tony: "I said 'You look a bit bogged down!'...hehe."
Me: "Hnnph" 😕

Bloody 'stralyuns.

Tony cycles to work. It's a half mile ride, down a residential two way street. Cars tend to park on one side, restricting traffic flow, which is neither here nor there in the context of this, but perhaps it'll add to the image.

Tony: "I was going down the road this morning on me bike as usual, and there's this matey riding his bike up the road, opposite direction, but on the same side as me. I din't say nothin', but I looked at him like 'Oi! Get on yer own side!', but he just carried on.
Later when I's coming home, same matey was coming the other direction on his bike, on the wrong side of the road again!
This time I shouts at him! 'Oi get on yer own side, you stupid bastard! This ain't Orstralia you know!'"

(To be clear, we're in the UK where we drive on the left side, the same as they do in Australia.)

The Code

Watching a new game show on BBC called The Code, in which contestants have to answer questions to win a guess at a number from a randomly generated 3 digit code.
The contestants were guessing the third and last digit of the code from a selection of three or four numbers.
"SEVEN!", bellows Tony.
They guess (not seven), and they guess wrong. They get the next question wrong, and they're out of the game.
Tony: "Shoulda gone seven."
Me: "But we don't know it was seven."
Tony: "No, coz last week I done it. I says five, stupid cow goes three, doesn't she!? And it was five!"

Pointless...

Watching 'Pointless' with Tony, the catagory was "UK cities containing the letters S, E and T".
It was explained that they must be cities in the UK containing all of those letters.

Tony: Sffampton!
Me: There's no E in Southampton.
Tony: Oh....Derby?

Cakes or biscuits

Tony offered me a Jaffa cake.
I said to him, suspecting he hadn't heard of the infamous 'Jaffa cake: cake or biscuit?' case, "But is it a cake or a biscuit Tone?"
"...oh. Dunno. Well, it says cake dunnit?...but looks like a biscuit I spose..."
"Indeed Tony. And it was settled in a court case..." and I went on to deliver the above explanation.
This stuff intrigues me. I love stories like that.
Tony couldn't have looked more bored. Fidgeting just to get back to his room to watch TV which was running off like a dripping tap. His whole demeanor said "I only offered you a fucking biscuit!"

...it's a cake Tony.