Christmas time table.

It's Christmas eve. Nothing stirred, not even a mouse.

No wait! It's little Tony mouse!

Me: What you up to tomorrow? 

Tony: Well....nothin'. Can't work cos they don't wanna pay me double time. 

(....pause...)

...and there's no public transport. Public 'oliday innit!

Me: Yeah....where would you want to go anyway? 

Tony: Train spottin', I suppose, but can't get there cos there ain't no trains. Public 'oliday innit!

(....pause....) 🤔

But then even if I could get there, there won't be any trains to spot, cos there ain't no trains. 

🤣

Tea trouble

Tony: Cup of tea?

Me: No thanks. 

Tony: Why not? 

Me: It hasn't been tasting right recently. Not sure what's changed. 

Tony: But I just got new tea bags.

Me: Oh OK. What did you get? 

Tony: PG Tips.

Me: That's what you had before. 

Tony: Yeah, but I got these from Tescos. 

Cover story

Me: Where are you off to?

Tony: Off down the shop first for some milk, then working at 6.

Me: Working on a Tuesday? Unusual.

Tony: Yeah. Covering for one of the other lads. He's on holiday. 

Well, actually, he's working the night shift.

Me: You don't have a night shift.

Tony: Well, not 'night'. Evening really. He's working 3 till 9.

Me: ....how are you covering for him if he's working?

Tony: Oh, its cos one of the others is off as well. 

'allo?

Tony: It is I, Éclair.

Me: No it's not. 

Tony: Yeah it is! Matey off 'allo 'allo...with the glasses. 

Me: That's LeClerc.

Tony: What's éclair then? 

Me: It's a French pastry with cream and chocolate. 

Tony: Oh yeah! Nice!

Cyclepath

Yesterday, watching the tour de France:

Tony: I used to watch this. Always thought I'd like to give it a try.

Me: The tour de France? 

Tony: Yeah.....when I was younger I mean.

Me: You know what they do, right? 

Tony: Oh yeah. I know it's tough. Problem is all the training. I wouldn't have had the time.

Me: With all due respect mate, these people are superheroes. 

Tony: I used to cycle to Pangbourne to see me gran.

Me: 🙄

Today watching the tour de France:

Tony: Oh! They're at it again then? 

Me: Yeah....you do realise what this is, right?

Tony: Oh yeah. 

Me: They cycle 3000 km in 21 days with 2 days off.

Tony: What?! 

Me: Yeah. Around 200 kms a day at around 50 km/h. And it's not flat. There are mountains. Proper steep mountains.

Tony: Blimey. My arse used to hurt cycling to me grans. 

Me: These guys live in pain I reckon.

Pause

Tony: Where is it then? In a foreign country?

Me: .....what? The tour de France?

Tony: Yeah.......oh! It's actually in France then?

🤣

It's element-tree

"Is it me, or is that tree taller than it used to be?" 

Lotto nonsense

Tony: Won 60 quid again.

Me: Yeah? Nice one. What's that? The lottery?

Tony: Yeah. Hotpicks. That's 3 in a row. Every three weeks. I don't bother doing Tuesday or Friday any more. I don't win them. I'm just doing every 3 Saturdays now. 

Me: You think that's the secret?

Tony: Well it's working.

Me: It's a lottery Tone. It's luck.

Tony: I know that. I'm just saying it's working.

Me: What's working?

Tony: Only playing every 3 Saturdays.

Me: That indicates you think it's a strategy.

Tony: Well it's working.

Me: It's not working. It's not a formula for winning. You just happened to win.

Tony: I know that! I'm just saying it worked!

It's all in the past tense.

Tony: I didn't see it tomorrow because I was out last week. 

Premier Siege

Tony: Here's one for ya. How many "Uniteds" in the Premier League?

Me: Hmm...

(time out for thinking)

Me: ...well, you're effectively asking me to name every team in the Premiership. I'm not sure I could do that.

Tony: No I'm not! Just the Uniteds.

Me: If I can't name all of the teams in the Premiership, I can't know that I've named all the Uniteds.

Tony: I'm only asking about the Uniteds! I'm not saying name every team in the league!

Me: How are you not getting this?! If I can't name every team in the league, how will I know I haven't missed one?

Tony: I'm not asking every team in the league am I?! Just the Uniteds!

Me: Ok. So you know then?

Tony: (fed up) Yeah! It's 4!

Me: Oh. So you saw that on something?

Tony: Eh?

Me: How do you know there are 4?

Tony: BECAUSE I COUNTED THEM!

Me: So you can name every team in the premiership?

Tony: No.

Me: Well how do you know you haven't missed one?

Tony: BECAUSE I COUNTED THEM!

Me: But...how do...

(He was pink with fury and I didn't want him dying over football trivia)

Me: ...alright! (counting them off on my fingers) OK, Newcastle United... 

Tony: Oh....5 then.

Spot off

Tony: 750!! Spot on!

Me: You said 900.

Tony: I said 800!! 

(he didn't) 

Me: You said 900! 

(he did) 

Tony: I didn't. I was thinking 900, but I said 800. 

Me: You said 900. Anyway, it was 750. 

Tony: Same fing. 

Stacey Doolally

There's an advert on TV currently for Stacey Dooley's presumably up coming TV show.

Tony: That's that woman! Whassername? On that dancing thing!

Me: She was on 'Strictly come dancing'.

Tony: Yeah! That's her! 

Me: Have you not seen 'Stacey Dooley investigates'?

Tony: Why? Is she on that then? 

It's all in the delivery

Tony was ordering a food delivery on his phone. For some reason he had it on speaker phone, so I could hear both sides.

Tony: Hello! Could I order a takeaway please?

Voice: Delivery. 

Tony: Takeaway.

Voice: Delivery?

Tony: TAKEAWAY! No! Delivery.

The rest was not amusing, and involved pizza and onion rings. 

Whatever the weather

Watching the weather forecast (Tuesday 12th January).

Frankly the best Tonyism yet, in my opinion.

"Oh! It's raining Thursday now. It wasn't yesterday!" 

A Lidl confused

Aldi were advertising the superb value of their goods. 

Me: So Aldi say the price of their average weekly shop is £11 less than Tesco, and Tesco advertise that they have price matched Aldi on hundreds of big names brands.

Tony: ....oooookaaay... 😐

Me: Well I suppose that shows big name brands don't make up as much of the weekly shop as you'd think, or one of them isn't telling the truth.

Tony: Why's that then?

Me: Well Aldi say they're cheaper and Tesco say they're the same.

Tony: Oh definitely not!

Me: When do you shop at Aldi? (the nearest Aldi isn't convenient)

Tony: Went there once and sugar was so cheap I bought three packs!

Me: But that's not representative of the average weekly shop.

Tony: Biscuits as well! Lidl's biscuits are much cheaper!

Me: But that's not Aldi.

Tony: Oh....dunno then. 

The Muddleorian

Tony and I have been watching The Mandalorian.

Things Tony has called The Mandalorian:

That man fing.

The Delorean. 

The Mandy. 

The Mandela-rian. 

The Mandolin. 

The Mandarin.

"...what *is a Man-der-loriat anyway?" 🤨

Couldn't chair less

Tony had been sat on the sofa for some while, having something to eat and watching TV. Then gets up with a grunt "I'm going for a sit down".

Me : "You are sat down Tone."

Tony : "In my room, I mean!", like I've lost my mind. 

Me : "But...you lie down in your room Tone. You haven't got a chair."

Tony: "I'm going to my room!"

Fwah gwar

Quiz show host: What French delicacy has moulard duck liver as its main ingredient?

Contestant: Uh...pass

Quiz show host: Foie Gras

Tony: Fwah gwar?! What fuck's that?!

Me: It's a French delicacy which has moulard duck liver as its main ingredient.

Tony: Oh.