Tony was all dressed up in his hi-viz, beanie, bag over his shoulder.
Brads: "Off to work then?"
Tony: "Yeah....been busy"
Brads: "Yeah?"
Tony: "Yeah....Christmas parties"
Brads: "Oh yeah? Disco?"
Tony: "Eh?"
Brads: "Disco?"
Tony screws his face up and lifts his hat off his ear: "Eh?"
Brads: "Disco!......DANCING! You know! 🎶D. I. S. C. O.🎶"
Tony: "Uh....what? Like 🎶D. I. E. I. O.🎶?" (the words of Old Mcdonald to the tune of D. I. S. C. O.)
When I got home from being out of town, I noticed the recycling bin lid was hanging off.
I waited a few days to see if anyone owned up, they didn't, and I mentioned it to Tony, who immediately went into sullen child mode. This is a departure from the norm. For starters, I had assumed it was Dougall, for seconders, Tony's go-to reaction is denial. He hung his head and fidgeted a bit.
"mm yeah I dropped it, din't I", he mumbled, ".........broke."
I laughed inside.
"Were you just going to leave it? I was bound to find out."
"mmm..forgot."
"Listen. Things break mate. Don't worry about it. But let me know, eh?"
Brads heard about it, and came in a few days later with a replacement bin. Nice one!
In the bin was the receipt. It was £10. I was going to pay him for it but didn't get round to it before Tony approached me.
"Whatchoo want for the bin?"
"Eh?"
"How much wuz it? I'll pay for it."
"Oh! Well actually I didn't buy it. Brads did. It was a tenner."
"Should I pay him then?"
"Well yeah, I suppose. It's between you and him now anyway. I'm happy with the situation."
"Kin I 'ave the old one?" (it was still outside pending disposal)
"Uh, yeah, I suppose so."
"Nice one. I'll take that one and I'll give Brads a fiver then"
🤯
Tony: D'you see that Impossible yessdee? Woman on there got all wrong ones but not impossible. It was people who bin on Grange iw and Stenders. I knew that Todd Carter. 'e was that Toddy or Tacky or summink. I'd woulda won 10 grand. Not normally though. That's like a million to 1.
Tony: I was going to put a bet on England, but they'd problee lose if I do.
Me: You can't change the result with a bet.
Tony: Eh?
Me: You placing a bet on England won't change the result.
Tony: Tsk...yeah! I know that! I just mean that if I bet on England to win, they'll problee lose.
The World Cup group H results were in. Japan and Columbia progress to the next round. England and Belgium are already qualified, but which one they play and what day they play is decided by the result of the England Belgium game later.
Tony: Who do we play then?
Me: We don't know yet.
Tony: No. *When do we play?
Me: We don't know that either.
Tony: No. What day do we play who?
Me: We don't know yet.
Tony: No! Who do we play on Tuesday?
Me: We don't find out until later if we're even playing on Tuesday.
Tony: I just want to know who to hope for.
Me: I don't understand.
Tony: I'm working Monday, so I want to know what result to hope for today so we play on Tuesday.
Me: Oh...I'm not convinced hoping is going to change anything.
Tony: Muh..
Tony came in from work just after the end of the Egypt vs Uruguay World Cup match. This was the insipid second game of the competition which ended 0-1, following yesterday's far more entertaining 5-0 opener between Russia and Saudi Arabia.
Tony: See the game?
Me: Yeah.
Tony: One of the worst so far weren't it?
Me: Yeah. One of the worst of the 2 games so far.
10pm
Me: Cup of tea Tony?
Tony: (looks at me like I'm fucking mental) No!
Me: Oh! Sure?
Tony: Can't have tea now, can I! I'll wake up at 2 in the morning with a stiffy, won't I!
Massive laughter.
Tony: (defiant) Well....don't p'tend it don't happen to you!
My kitchen is a heat sink. In cold weather it's where any heat in the house runs to and disappears, in warm weather it's what I use to cool the house down. It's engaged by a simple manually operated valve reaching from floor to nearly the ceiling, which we call the door.
Tony will only understand the door as being open and shut, which is pretty much all there is to it, to be fair, but he doesn't grasp the reasons for my preference of it's configuration.
I was watching Formula 2 motor racing on the TV when Tony walked in through the kitchen door, which also serves as a conduit to beyond the kitchen, which we refer to as 'outside'.
As he passed, he kicked the door closed. This has been my preferred configuration for the last 6 or 8 months. But not 7. It took me maybe 4 of those (but not 5) to train him to close the door behind him since, presumably, I'd spent much of the previous 4 or 6 months reminding him to leave it open.
Me: Door open please.
Tony paused and looked at the TV.
Tony: Ek tick?
Me: Open.
Tony: Ewek tick!
Me: No. Open!
Tony: Ektik!....Wektwik! Lecktick!
Me: What? What are you doing? Say words!
Tony: Electwick! Electric?
Pointing at the TV.
Tony: Electric?
Me: Oh! The cars?
Tony: 'swot we're talkin 'bout innit?
Me: Do they sound electric?! (they were going brmmbrmm rather than fizzing) It's Formula 2.
Tony: Oh.
Turns to go to his room.
Me: I said leave the door open please!
Tony: Oh!....(looks at the ceiling for a memory)...Didjuh?
Opens the door.
Tony was leaving for work (he works in a kitchen)
Me: Off to make sandwiches?
Tony: Eh?
Me: Salads?
Tony: No 🙁...going to work.
Me: Yeah. That's what I mean.
Tony: Oh! At work! Yeah...well, not sandwiches. That's lunch. This is fish and chips and burgers and chilli and rice and stuff. Pasta.
Me: Lasagne?
Tony: Pasta.
Me: Lasagne?
Tony: Pasta, I said!
Me: Lasagne is pasta.
Tony: Oh! Is it? Nah.
It's new years eve, and Tony was leaving the house in his usual 'I'm going out' gear including the winter set of gloves, beanie and hi-viz jacket.
Me: Got work?
Tony: Nah. Poker.
Me: Where's that?
Tony: Pub in Andover.
Me: Really? On new years eve?
Tony: Yeah. They said last week. Or fink they did anyway.
Me: Surely not.
Tony: Fink so.
Me: Why don't you call first and find out?
Tony: Dunno the number, do I.
I search online and find the number and he calls on my phone. It's on speaker because there's a problem sometimes with the mouthpiece.
Tony: I wuz wundrin if the poker wuz on.
Lady: The what love?
Tony: Poker. Tonight.
Lady: Shouldn't think so love, it's new years eve. I'll check. JANE! JANE! IS THE POKER ON?
(Jane: The what?)
Lady: THE POKER! IS IT ON TONIGHT?
(Jane: Nah. It's new years eve!)
Lady: No love, it's new years eve.
Tony: Oh. Ok. Thanks. Bye.
Me: There you go! Just as well you called. Saved you a journey.
Tony: Yeah spose. <Heads outdoors>
Me: What you doing?
Tony: Oh. I'll go anyway. You never know.
Tony: Can I use your phone? I need to phone the bank.
Me: It's a bank holiday Tone. I think you'll be wasting your time.
Tony: Sometimes they're open ain't they. Can I give it a try?
Me: Yeah, if you want, but I think you're wasting your time.
He takes the phone to his room, and returns maybe 2 minutes later.
Tony: No answer.
Me: It's a bank holiday Tone.
Tony: But sometimes -
Me: It's a bank....holiday!
